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Finalmente parece que alguém resolveu atender as minhas preces, ou melhor, olhar para o mercado de forma a entender o que o seu consumidor precisa e qual a melhor forma de se comunicar com ele. E não é que a TRITON teve uma ótima idéia?!!
Está no ar desde o mês passado o notriT. Um site, meio blog, meio cool hunter, meio várias coisas mas que acertou na maneira de como se comunicar com o seu público.
É só se cadastrar no site e à partir dai virar um colaborador, sugerindo links legais, de novidades, tendências, músicas e etc.
Pontos negativos: Quando passamos o mouse na imagem e clicamos ela apenas computa o voto e não direciona para o link. É necessário digitar o link, nada prático. Além disso na parte de empregos havia uma reportagem para trabalhar na Inglaterra muito antiga, de 2003!! Por favor, não vamos começar já errando, né?!!!!
Mas de qualquer forma a iniciativa é louvável e muito boa. Grande interatividade e com informações bem interessante. Parabéns!!
Está no ar desde o mês passado o notriT. Um site, meio blog, meio cool hunter, meio várias coisas mas que acertou na maneira de como se comunicar com o seu público.
É só se cadastrar no site e à partir dai virar um colaborador, sugerindo links legais, de novidades, tendências, músicas e etc.
Pontos negativos: Quando passamos o mouse na imagem e clicamos ela apenas computa o voto e não direciona para o link. É necessário digitar o link, nada prático. Além disso na parte de empregos havia uma reportagem para trabalhar na Inglaterra muito antiga, de 2003!! Por favor, não vamos começar já errando, né?!!!!
Mas de qualquer forma a iniciativa é louvável e muito boa. Grande interatividade e com informações bem interessante. Parabéns!!
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With a starting offer of just one cent, brisk bidding for the prime chunk of South Pacific real estate quickly boosted the price to 3,000 Australian dollars before eBay pulled the plug on the auction this week. "Clearly New Zealand is not for sale," eBay Australia spokesman Daniel Feiler told the New Zealand Press Association, adding that 22 bids had been made before the company acted.
"It is mostly household items we have for sale, but there are the occasional quirky items put up," he added. "We have a look at them and if they are OK we leave them, but if it is something that can't be sold, we take them off."
The trader has not been named, but apparently was unimpressed with the country he was trying to sell.
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Little Billy was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
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He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
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You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a lightswitch away.
Man - Fat Penguin!
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Man - I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.
I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.
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A woman and a baby went to the doctors. The doctor examined the baby, checked his weight, and slightly concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?
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An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years.
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As he came closer , he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
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16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?"
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I pissed out a bullet.
So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.
Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet."
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Slowly across the desert sand
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Destination Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a huntin� went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
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A Distinct Lack of Imagination
There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.
He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.
Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.
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The hottest girl said , "If you fix our car we will do anything you want."
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When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr."
After thinking for a short while he replied, "Could you hold my camel?"
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During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students, one by one -
"Robert, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked.
"Just a minute, I have to go piss."
The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite!"
"What about you John, how would you say it?"
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, 'll be right back."
The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still
not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table."
"And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us
your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment,
I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll
get to meet after supper."
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This guy was really sleepy and needed a place to stay for the night. So he sees this barn up the road and asks the guy if he can stay in his barn for the night.
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Mastermind
Seamus O Brien had been hailed the most intelligent Irish man for three years running. He had topped such shows as Larry Gogans 'Just a Minute Quiz' and 'Quicksilver' (before Bunny Carrs demise). It was suggested by the Irish Mensa board that he should enter into the English Mastermind Championships. He Did, and won a place. On they evening of the competition, Seamus enters from the crowd and placed himself on the Leather Seat and made himself comfortable. The lights dimmed and a spot light pointed at his face.
Magnus said "Seamus, What Subject are you studying?." Seamus responded, "Irish History". Very well said Magnus, Your first Question: "In what year did the 'Easter Rising take Place?' Seamus responds .."Pass"
"OK" said Magnus, "Who was the Leader of the Easter Rising?", Seamus Responds .."Pass"
"OK" said Magnus, How long did the Easter Rising Last?" Seamus Responds.. "Pass"
Instantly, a voice shout from the Crowd, "Good Man Seamus... Tell the English Nothing..."
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Super Market mistake
This guy is in line at the Super Market when he notices a hot blonde
behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
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A woman and a baby went to the doctors. The doctor examined the baby, checked his weight, and slightly concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?
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"Would you strip down to your waist please," asked the doctor?
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Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight, you don't have any milk."
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An English professor wrote on the blackboard:
"A woman without her man is nothing"
and asked the class to properly punctuate the sentence.
All the males in the class wrote:
"A woman, without her man, is nothing"
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Buying Presents for the Wife
Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.
After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."
The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself."
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A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.
"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."
"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."
"That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will'".
"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.
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Two tall trees, a Birch and a Beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the Beech says to the Birch, "Is that a son of a Beech or a son of a Birch?" The Birch says he cannot tell.
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A midwife is walking past the hospital staffroom, when she hears two African doctors talking, "I'm telling you it's wumba: W-U-M-B-A," says the first.
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"No, no, no. Wumba: W-U-M-B-A," says the first again.
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I was home visiting my folks and my mom asked me to set the table for dinner.
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"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over-eat," she answered.
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Three girls are sitting around, totally bored so one girl suggests that they make up nicknames for their ideal boyfriends and name them after soda pops.
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"I want mine to be Mountain Dew 'cause when he's in between my mountains, we'll be doing it."
"Mine's gonna be Jack Daniel's."
"You can't do that. Here we are talking about soda pop and you're talking about a hard liquor."
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A fiftyish woman was at home, happily jumping up and down on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watched her for a while and then asked, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."
The husband said, "What did he say about your 55 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
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I Love Mustard!
If you have children you will probably relate to this father. As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.
"Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder
and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin.
I licked it off. It was not mustard!! No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of my routine that the shoeshine boys do; only I did it on my tongue.
Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said: "Now you know why they call that fancy mustard . . "Poupon."
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Twice a Day
A noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devised a test to tell for certain how often someone had sex. To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people, and went down the line asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately how often each person had sex.
The last man in line was grinning from ear to ear. "Twice a day," the therapist guessed, but was surprised when the man said no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer was no. "Twice a week?" "No." "Twice a month?" "No."
When the doctor asked, "Once a year?" the man finally said yes. The therapist was angry that his theory hadn't worked with this individual, and he asked the man, "What the heck are you so happy about?" The man answered, "TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT!"
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Busy Bulls!
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and see if it was 365 times with the same cow."
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You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Answer:
Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk.
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Air Freshener
An Avon lady was going in an elevator when she suddenly had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodorizer.
Two floors later a gentleman got into the elevator. he began to sniff.
The Avon lady asked' "Do you smell something?"
"Well, yes, I do" he replied.
"What does it smell like?"
"Hmmm, I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit in a pine tree."
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10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of being just
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1. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
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A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young
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During Clinton's interview with the grand jury, the prosecutor held up a
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A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at covered breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
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A chicken and horse are walking across a feild together when the horse falls into a deep hole.
" help help" shouts the horse
" don't worry " says the chicken , and runs of and comes back with the farmers sports car , he ties a rope around the bumper and throws the other end down to the horse , " hold on to this and i will pull you out".
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next day the two of them are walking across another feild when the chicken falls into a deep hole , " bugger" says the chicken , "go and get the farmers sports car again "
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A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman - almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, 'almost'?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
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A mother and her son were flying 'Southwest Airlines' from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'
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Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
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The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.
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'ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?'
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, 'Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?'
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The Correct Way to Come Home Drunk ....
Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other
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driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes
off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the
bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent
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for staying out so late."
His friend looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong
approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps,
pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in
the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass
and say 'WHO'S HORNY????!!!' and she acts like she's sound asleep! Works
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A lady is working hard in her office when a co-worker tells her that her hair smells good.
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"How?" asks the boss.
"He said my hair smells good," replied the lady.
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''Both?''
Engineer: ''Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.''
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The lady at the Immigration and Naturalization office came into the office late one day to see a room full of people. She took a moment to overhear a conversation already in progress before her anonymity was compromised. Two Italians were engaged in an animated conversation. Her attention was galvanized when she heard one of them say:
First Emma, she coma.
Then I coma.
Then to asses they bump togetha'.
Then I coma again.
Then to asses they bump togetha' again.
Then I coma again.
Then pee twice.
Then I coma one lasta' time.
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A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men,
showed her a study which indicated that men use about 15,000 words a day,
whereas women use 30,000 words a day. She thought about this,
then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because
they have to repeat everything they say.
Looking stunned, he said, "What?"
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An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local beer hall.
One of them says, "Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick."
"How did you get it fixed?"
"Well, I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her."
Ben goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubs it all around the bull's nose.
The bull gets a rip roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately. Ben was impressed.
That night, Ben gets into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind.
As she lays sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his wife's vagina and feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip roaring hard on.
He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out, "Honey, look!" She rolls over, turns on the light and says,
"You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?"
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A drunk man flops down on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie is stained, his face is smeared with red lipstick,
and a half empty bottle of gin is sticking out of his coat pocket. He opens a newspaper and begins reading.
After a few minutes the guy turns to the priest and asks,
"Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" The disgusted priest answers: "Loose living, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man."
"I'll be damned!" the drunk mutters, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said, nudges the man and apologizes: "I'm very sorry; I didn't mean to be so harsh. How bad is your arthritis?"
"Oh, I don't have it," replies the man; "It says here that the Pope does."
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Yoga Style
Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their sexual activities. The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.
The second old woman thought that was a great idea, so that night, when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her two legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic but she finally got it in place. She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.
However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck that way with her butt sticking straight up in the air.
It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.
"Gladys!" he exclaimed. "For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in. You look like an asshole!"
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Open wider
There was a couple going at it for the first time, and after a while, the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider.
She does and they continue.
A few minutes go by and he tells her again, "Open your legs a little wider."
She does, then he says again, "A little wider, hon."
The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it.
This continues until he asks again, "Can you open them just a little wider?"
So she finally yells, "What are you trying to do; get your balls in too?"
He says "No, I'm trying to get them out."
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A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother,
"There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens." 'How did you know?"
his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,"
he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting
away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them
all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked."
The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken" the boy explained.
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While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.
"What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."
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Quick, Get me a beer!
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, �Get me a beer before it starts.�
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Fifteen minutes later, the man says, �Get me another beer before it starts.�
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
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The man sighs and says, �It�s started��
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A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.
A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves.
The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?"
The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service!"
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A guy walks into a gas station and buys a pack of cigarettes.
He pulls one out and starts smoking it. The cashier says, "Excuse me sir,
but you can't smoke in here." The guy says, "Don't you think
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A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.
After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.
The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "If neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."
Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrusts continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"
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Sexual Maturity
Little Johnny was charged with the rape of a grown woman, and though the crime seemed highly improbable, the evidence was overwhelming.
As a last, desperate move, the defense counsel came over to the witness stand, pulled down Little Johnny's pants, and grabbed his tiny penis for all to see.
"Ladies and gentlemen," the lawyer cried, turning toward the jury box, "surely you cannot believe that such a small, still undeveloped organ is sexually mature?"
Growing more agitated he went on, "How could this miniature member be capable even of erection, let alone the rape of a fully grown woman."
"WATCH IT," yelped Little Johnny. "One more shake and you'll lose the case!"
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A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any"
"But I always buy it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
"YES", said the blonde. "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container.........
"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM"
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Bob was sitting at the table one morning, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known for his lack of IQ.
He turned to his wife and said, "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
She replied, "Why, thank you, Dear!"
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A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea....let's pretend we're married."
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A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet, rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers.
He does so and she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Well, can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" the woman asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his thick hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman - clearly aroused "is there anything I can do?".
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to lick them gently.
"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
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This is a transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS MISSOURI, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
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Letters On Chest
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"
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Harley Girl
A woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs ... a green spot on the inside of each. They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.
A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.
The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy--there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"
The woman stammers, "Why, Yes, but how did you know?"
"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
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Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and....'"
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Three doctors are waiting in line to get into the Pearly Gates. St. Peter walks out and asks the first one, "What have you done to enter Heaven?"
"I am a pediatrician and have brought thousands of the Lord's babies into the world."
"Good enough to enter the gates," replied St. Peter and in he goes. The same question is asked of the second doctor.
"I am a general practioner and go to Third World countries three times a year to cure the poor." St. Peter is impressed and allows him through the gates. The third doctor steps up in line and knowing the question, blurts out, "I am a director of an HMO."
St. Peter meditates on this for a while and then says, "Fine, you can enter Heaven...but only for 2 days."
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A beautiful young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick, so she proceeded to find herself a rich 75-year-old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.
The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.
When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs. Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
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kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria. Escherichia coli bacteria is found in feces,
in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop!
However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, vodka, beer
or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling,
filtering and fermenting.
WATER = POOP
WINE = HEALTH
Free yourself of Poop, drink WINE!!!
Therefore: It is better to drink wine and talk like crap than to drink water and be
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There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing it as a public service.
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Two turtles go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener. The first turtle turns to the second and says, "You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."
" No way, " says the second. " By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food. "
" I promise I won't, " says the turtle. " Just hurry! "
Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second turtle. Exasperated and starving, the first turtle digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, the second turtle pops out from behind a rock and yells, " I knew it! I'm not f-cking going! "
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What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
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A married couple were lying in bed one night.
The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, as the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area. He does this a few times, but only for a very short intervals before turning back to read his book.
The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement she gets up and starts stripping in front of him.
The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?"
His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay. "The husband says, "No, not at all."
His wife asks angrily, "Well, then what the hell were you doing ?"
Seconds before his death he says...
"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages."
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No Toilet Paper
There is a man that just got done eating dinner and he was on his way to a party.
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While he was taking this dump he read a sign that said "There is no tolet paper... You have wipe your ass with your first two fingers, then stick them out the hole and they will be licked clean for you."
Well, he had no choice so he wiped his ass with his fingers and stuck them out the hole.
All of a sudden a guy with two bricks smacked his fingers.
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Jessie Jackson has added former Chicago democratic congressman Mel Reynolds to Rainbow / PUSH Coalition's payroll. Reynolds was among the 176 criminals excused in President Clinton's last-minute forgiveness spree.
Reynolds received a commutation of his six-and-a- half-year federal sentence for 15 convictions of wire fraud, bank fraud and lies to the Federal Election Commission. He is more notorious; however, for concurrently serving five years for sleeping with an underage campaign volunteer.
This is a first in American politics: An ex-congressman who had sex with a subordinate, won clemency from a president who had sex with a subordinate then was hired by a clergyman who had sex with a subordinate.
His new job? Youth counselor.
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Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning. When I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse is everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating! Also, since he lost his job two years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is sit around the living room in his underwear and watch TV while I work to pay the bills. And since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me. He keeps calling me a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Dump him. You're a New York senator now. You don't need him anymore!
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Posh Fart
A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs.
Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it.
As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly.
Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"
He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap your pants when you hear what the price is."
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A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. As he takes a sip of his beer, he hears a tiny little voice say: "Nice tie." He looks around but sees no one. He take another sip of his beer and hears: "A nice shirt, too." Again he looks around and sees no one.
He signals the bartender over, and hesitantly explains that he's hearing voices talking to him... "Of course," smiles the bartender. "It's the peanuts -- they're complimentary."
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"I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Services will be held Saturday for the deceased husband!
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The wife is not speaking to me
One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."
The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.
"Yeah, except today is the last day."
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SENIOR EXERCISE A friend just shared this AARP suggested exercise for seniors to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It's so easy, I thought I'd pass it on.
The article suggested doing it three times a week.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-pound potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-pound potato sacks. Then use 50-pound potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
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A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. As he takes a sip of his beer, he hears a tiny little voice say: "Nice tie." He looks around but sees no one. He take another sip of his beer and hears: "A nice shirt, too." Again he looks around and sees no one.
He signals the bartender over, and hesitantly explains that he's hearing voices talking to him... "Of course," smiles the bartender. "It's the peanuts -- they're complimentary."
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I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
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So I called him a horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
But I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner.
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An older couple were lying in bed one night.
The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting. "Wearily he reached across,
held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said:
"Then you used to kiss me". Mildly irritated, he reached across,
gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said:
"Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"
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Computers are Like Men...
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
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While both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer
each year, according to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game,
male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter,
usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer
retain their antlers until after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer,
every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen - had to be a girl.
We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in
a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
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Computers are Like Women...
No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong
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What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls?
Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
How do you know if an elephant has been in your fridge?
By the footprints in your butter!
I'll get me coat.
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A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to question her husband.
"I know you've been with a lot of woman before. How many were there?" The husband replied,
"Look, I don't want to upset you, there were many. Let's just leave it alone."
The wife continued to beg and plead. Finally, the husband gave in.
"Let's see." he said "There was one, two, three, four, five, six, you, eight, nine..."
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*My wife and i can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
*This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name and your number and your reason for calling...and I'll think about returning your call.
*Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is john's refrigerator. Speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
*Hi. Now YOU say something.
*Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message, and if I don't call back, its you.
*Hello!If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I'll call sooner.
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A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.
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"And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to
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This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? This is a true story . . .
There was a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
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Bullfighting in Spain is very famous and there are special squares for this game.
A man called Jon had a great interest in Tongue (fried tongue).
There was a big shop beside one of these squares which sold fried stakes and foods.
Every day Jon was going to that shop to eat fried tongue, and the tongues were very big.
One day Jon saw that the fried tongue is very small.
After he ate that food he asked the shopkeeper about the cause he said to him
"every day a man was killing a bull and I fried its tongue for you but today a bull killed that man!�
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A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a dalmatian dog. The children started to discuss the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he is just for good luck."
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Designated Decoy..
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations.
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The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.The driver replied,
"Tonight I'm the designated decoy.".
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A nurse was telling a gorgeous co-worker about the Canadian sailor who was a patient in Ward Ten.
�He�s tattooed,� she confided in a low voice, �in a very intimate place!�
�You, mean � � grasped the beautiful nurse.
�Yes! Isn�t that odd? There�s actually a word tattooed there: �Swan.���
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�You were right,� she said, �he is tattooed there. But the word is �Saskatchewan�!��
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How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher, a nurse or an airline stewardess?
- A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right.
- A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit.
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After an airliner encounters a particularly rough patch of turbulence, the captain comes on the intercom to reassure the passengers that everything is okay and that the flight should be smooth the rest of the way.
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Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.
He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch
on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."
The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day.
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At school the teacher would never call on Johnny to answer a question as he would answer with a diry reply and would embarris the class. Well that Friday the class was having a spelling bee, all the parents, principal and other teachers would be present.
As the teacher began class what starts with the letter A??? Johnny was raising his hand right away.....but the teacher thought....no...no...I can't call on him he will have a dirty reply...So she called on Patty....Patty replied apple.......a p p l e....the teacher said very good.
As she proceeded down the alphabet she got to the letter R.....ok class what starts with the letter R???? Johnny was jumping up and down!!!! The teachter thought hhmmmmmm I can't think of a dity word he can come up with.....ok Johnny what starts with the letter R?????
Ready for this????????
scroll down
Johnny jumps up and says RAT R -A-T with a big fuc*ing slong 10 inches long!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Man: "Have I shown you my magic watch?"
Woman: "No, what does it do?"
Man: "It tells me you are not wearing any underwear."
Woman: "Well it must be broken because I am wearing underwear!"
Man: "Hmm... It must be an hour fast."
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One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit.
He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.
Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!
This doesnt have to be your own jokes does it? I just read this and thought it was funny.
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Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand"
"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?" "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
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There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.
The Englishman says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".
The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I can across a full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank".
With that the Irishman says "Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a Penis".
just as it was told
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The Night After
A young couple were married and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.
He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride.
Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared and she asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."
And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
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A formula for inner peace...please read completely:
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. On the show, Dr. Phil proclaimed:
"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."
So I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's, a bottle of Kailua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake, some saltines and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel.
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My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big fuckin' red mark on his forehead.
Maybe he will buy me a diamond next time!
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A drunk says to the bartender, "I want a woman!" So, the bartender gives him directions to the local brothel.
The customer was so drunk, he misreads the directions and accidentally goes into the office of a foot doctor.
The receptionist at the counter asks, "Can I help you?" "Yes, I want some service," states the drunk.
She sends him to one of the examination rooms and tells him to put it on the table.
The drunk goes in and places his manhood on the exam table. When the doctor comes in,
the startled podiatrist sees the man's member on the table and she says, "That's not a foot!"
The drunk replies, "Give it time, lady, give it time."
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There was a couple who did not want their children to know when they were going to have sex, so they decided on a code of ''writing a letter.''
One day, Daddy said to his daughter, ''Tell your mommy that Daddy wants to write a letter.'' The girl went and told her mommy and the mom said, ''The red ribbon is coming out, not now.'' The girl went back to the daddy and told him.
One day, Mommy told her daughter to tell her daddy that she wanted to write a letter. Daddy replied, ''Not now. Daddy already wrote the letter by hand.''
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Here's a clean one I like to share with new cell-mates:
Two sausages were in a fry pan, sizzling away.
One says to the other: "Quick, we've got to get out of here - we're starting to cook!"
The other screamed: "ARRRRGGGHHH! A talking sausage!"
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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he
ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No,"
he replied, "arthritis."
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Difficult words to say when you are drunk......
* Innovative
* Preliminary
* Proliferation
Impossible words to say when you are drunk.....
* Thanks, but I dont want sex
* No, I dont want another drink
* No Kebab for me, thanks
* Sorry, but you are not quite good looking enough for me
* Good evening officer
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Here's a clean one I like to share with new cell-mates:
Two sausages were in a fry pan, sizzling away.
One says to the other: "Quick, we've got to get out of here - we're starting to cook!"
The other screamed: "ARRRRGGGHHH! A talking sausage!"
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Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
oldie but goodie :)
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teacher asks her class " if you didnt have skin what would you want your body to be covered in?"
Little jimmy pipes up " gold miss, coz when i scratch myself i'll get a little pile of gold then one day i could buy a porsche"
"well done jimmy nicely thought"
Little bobby immediately goes one better..." platinum miss....coz its more expensive than gold and i would be able to get a mercedes and a porsche"
"yes yes well done to you too bobby" said miss ...
Little johnny thinks for a minute then shouts out " pubic hair miss...coz my sister has got loads between her legs and you wanna see the motors outside her house"
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A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use about 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day. She thought about this, then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
Looking stunned, he said, "What?"
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A brunette, a red head, and a blonde were having a very interesting conversation and it got around to their daughters.
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The red head said, "I went in my daughter's room and found a half-empty bottle of vodka! I didn't even know she drank!"
Then the blonde burst out and said, "I went in my daughter's room and found a pack of condoms, half-empty, I didn't even know she had a penis!"
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Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in spring, and she welcomed him into her parlour. She invited the pastor to have a seat while she prepared some tea. As he sat facing her old pipe organ, the pastor noticed a small cut glass bowl sitting on top, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise, imagine his curiosity.
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"Oh, yes," she replied. "It's really quite wonderful. I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet and it would prevent disease. And you won't believe it," she continued, "but I haven't had a cold all winter."
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One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her
92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and
ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment,
killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of
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"Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could
screw, he could fly."
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An elderly gentlemen went in for his annual physical exam.
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Three female friends are sitting around one day talking about their boyfriends. They discover that their names are all Leroy.
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Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board.
"Does anyone know what this is?" She asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sure, my daddy has two of them!"
"Two of them?!" the teacher asked. "Yeah.
He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy�s teeth!"
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The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.
The traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.
"I want to get screwed," said the man.
"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an entrance and membership fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.
The man did this, the panel was closed, minutes passed. Nothing happened. He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open.
"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"
"What?" said the voice, "Again?"
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A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home
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neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in
the morning, and from my bed, I called out :'Is that you, Jim ?' And that
cured him." "Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how ?" The neighbour said,
"You see, his name is Bill."
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The Easterner had always dreamed of owning his own cattle ranch, and finally made
enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams in Wyoming.
"So, what did you name the ranch?" asked his best friend when he flew out to visit.
"We had a heck of a time," admitted the new cowboy. "Couldn't agree on anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch."
"Wow!" his friend was impressed. "So, where are all your cows?"
"None of 'em survived the branding."
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A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile
on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet and rolls over and says:
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."
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A father brings along his little daughter to the barber while he gets his haircut. The little girl is watching the barber work while she eats her Hostess snack cake.
Over time she gets closer and closer to the barber�s chair where the barber is giving her dad a trim.
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There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered the hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner.
After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.
"It's o.k.," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."
So after a wild night of sex the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay.
The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil - "The hat check girl puts out!"
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The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. "What would you like to do next?" he asked.
"I wanna get weighed," she said.
So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.
Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
"I wanna get weighed," she said.
"I really latched onto a square one tonight," thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
The girl's room mate was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
She replied, "Oh, Wisa... it was wousy!"
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Sneezing
A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that is about to take off. Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes himself off with his handkerchief. He zips up, and continues reading his magazine.
The woman cannot believe what she has just seen. Then he sneezes again, unzips, and wipes himself off again with the handkerchief.
The woman says, "Excuse me, sir, but that's disgusting and rude! If you do it again, I'm going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane."
He says, "I'm so sorry that I've offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze."
The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what are you taking for it?"
"Pepper," he answers.
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A husband came home drunk one day and went to his bedroom to meet his wife
He slipped into bed and before he closed his eyes ...he gazed down and saw 6 feet in bed..
Angry and supprised he clamoured "Aye woman..how come i seeing 6 feet when it suppose to have 4...eh what shit going on here..I go chop some one eh"
The wife said to him "Honey calm down..you so drunk you cannot count...there are only 4 feet in th bed..get up and count again"
So the irrated husband steups and get up and began to count how many feet he seeing in bed...1.2.3.4..
He replied "sorry darlin" and went back in bed to sleep.......
The moral being ..when drunk..and you see 6 feet in bed..stay in bed and count it...or else yuh wife Horning yuh!!! and yuh getting Butt all side
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A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and tells the artist that she wants a tattoo of santa claus on her inner right thigh and the thanksgiving turkey on her inner left thigh.
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Carmen
A gent spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name.
"Carmen," she replied.
That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?"
"No, I named myself", she answered.
"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"
"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "So what's your name?" she asked.
"Beersex."
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Two avid fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"
The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
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Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wank last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."
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A nice looking woman wearing a very tight leather skirt was standing in line to board a bus in Houston Texas. When her turn came to get on the bus she went to step up but her skirt was too tight and she could not. She smiled at the bus driver and reached behind her to unzip her skirt just a little to give her enough movement to step up onto the platform. She tried a second time and still her skirt was too tight, so again she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. When she stepped up the third time she still could not reach the step do to her tight skirt. So smiling at the bus driver again she reached behind her for the third time and lowered her zipper even more. It was no use. Her skirt was still too tight to give her enough legroom to step up.
All at once the big burly Texan behind her gently grabbed her around the waist and lifted her onto the bus platform. The woman whirled around in a rage. "HOW DARE YOU TOUCH ME LIKE THAT! We don't even know each other!"
The Texan smiled and said, "Well mam, normally I'd say the same thing. But I thought we were at least friends after the third time you reached behind you and unzipped my fly!"
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This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a
very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely
think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true
story...We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was
supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and
asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too
Sting ..have you ever work as a weatherman ???
they were laughing so hard
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A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that a rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar, he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"
She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children."
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful. "Holy crap," he says, "are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my behind?"
"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher
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Little Johnny was in class when the teacher asked, 'Three birds are sitting on a telephone wire, a hunter shoots one. How many are left?'
'None,' he says 'if ones shot the others would fly away.'
'Actually', said the teacher 'the answer was two, but I like the way you think.'
The next day Johnny walks over to his teacher in the cafeteria and asks, 'Do you see those three women over there on the bench? Which one isn't married, the one eating the cookie, the one eating a sandwich, or the one sucking on a popsicle?'
'Hmm, the one sucking on a popsicle?', the teacher asks.
'Actually' said Timmy 'it was the one without a wedding ring, but I like the way you think.'
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My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."
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A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it, as he's liable to break something. The boy continues. "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off You're going to break something." He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center. Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet. Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she is finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She is not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives, she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of to
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Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart!"
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Girl Who Screws Anyone
A man walked into a tavern and sat next to a very attractive, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. "Hi there, Good Looking. How's it going?" he asked.
The woman looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of
college, and I just love it!"
"No kidding?," said the man, "I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"
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A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her bac
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Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
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One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word �penis� in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.
The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word �penis� again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day�s lesson. Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day�s word, larger than the previous day�s word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
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A newlywed couple on their honeymoon gets to the hotel room.
When they start to have sex, the wife says that she has something to confess. The husband says, "I will love you no matter what it is, tell me."
So the wife tells him that she is actually extremely flat chested.
The husband says, "I can deal with that."
He takes off her shirt and shouts, "Boy! you are small, but I love you nyway."
The husband says, "I have something to confess also."
She says, "No matter what I will still love you."
He says, "Okay.I am built like a baby down there."
She says, "I can deal with that."
So he pulls down his pants and his wife passes out! He fans her and she finally gets up.
She says, "I thought you said you were built like a baby?"
He says, "Yeah....7lbs, 21inches."
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One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word �penis� in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.
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Police today warned all men who frequent Night Clubs and Parties to stay cautious when offered drinks by women. Females are using a date rape drug called "lager" to target unsuspecting men. This drug comes in liquid form and is available nearly everywhere. "lager" is used by female predators to persuade hapless male victims to go home with them. Women need only persuade a man to consume a few of these "lagers" and then ask him home for no-strings-attached sex, a simple approach that renders most men helpless. After several "lagers," men will have sex with even unattractive women. Often men awaken with only hazy memories of the night before, a horrible headache, and a vague feeling that something bad happened. Some really unfortunate men are even separated from their life's savings in a scam called "a relationship". In extreme cases, females have entrapped unsuspecting males into long-term servitude through a punishment called "marriage". Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam once "lager" is a
dministered. Forward this warning to every male you know. And if you, or some man you know, have fallen victim to this insidious "lager" and the predatory women who administer it, rest assured: male support groups exist in every major city where you can discuss the ugly details of your encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, look in the Yellow Pages under "Golf Courses."
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"Never Lie To Girls"
There was a man resting and enjoying the view on the beach. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?"
Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'm here."
The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"
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Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful
sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
"I lied about my age", Bob replies. "What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
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A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."
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Harry goes up to a prostitute and asks,
"How much for a blow job?"
She says, "A hundred bucks."
He tries to talk her down, but she won't budge, so he agrees to
pay the hundred.
They go back to his hotel room and as soon as they are inside,
Harry starts masturbating furiously.
"What are you doing that for?" asks the prostitute.
"For a hundred bucks," he says, "do you think I'm gonna give you
the easy one?"
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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
To get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
And some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo–oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... So does she.
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A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly.
He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out..........
"Holy shit ----- My girlfriend's gone too!"
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Used Car
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies
Sitting in a used car.!
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car.
Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed .... So
We're just waiting.
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Church Bells
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
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A woman walks into a vet's waiting room, dragging a wet rabbit on a leash.
"Sit, Fluffy," she says.
Fluffy glares at her and then the soaking-wet rabbit jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.
"I said sit, Fluffy!" the woman shouts. "Don't you want to be a good little rabbit?"
Apparently not, because Fluffy, still wet, jumps onto the floor shakes furiously, spraying water on everyone and then proceeds to squat and urinate, right there in the middle of the room.
"Fluffy!" the woman screams, and then, mortified by Fluffy's behavior, she turns to the other people in the room and says, "Please forgive me, I've just washed my hare and I can't get it to do anything!"
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I was home visiting my folks and my mom asked me to set the table for dinner.
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One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word ’penis’ in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.
The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word ’penis’ again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day’s lesson. Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day’s word, larger than the previous day’s word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
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Once there were 3 mountain climbers .A asian man,a white man,& a black man.
All 3 were told that if they make it to the top of the mountain,then they were going to get a surprise.
So all 3 men make it to the top of the mountain & notices a wizard waiting 4 them.The wizard says "Well,
I can turn you guys into whatever you request after you jump off the cliff.
" So the asian guy jumps off the cliff & calls out "Phoenix".He turns into a Phoenix & flew away into the sun.
The white man jumps off the cliff & calls out "Eagle".He turns into an eagle & flew away into the clouds.
The black guy carelessly runs up to the cliff,trips,& yells out "Oh Shit !!!" :)
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Two Men On A Bus
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention focuses on their conversation when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come once-a-more."
"You foul-mouthed swine!" hissed the indignant lady. "In this country, we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey coola down lady!" said the man. "Imma just tellun my afriend howa to spella Mississippi."
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A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs
to
file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask
you a few
questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and
then
asks, "What is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't
work.
Let's try to rephrase that"
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an chicken
farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a
prostitute?"
"Well, I raised hundred's of little pecker's last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is." :D :D :D :D :D
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While watching the Cricket the other night my wife and I were discussing life and death.
I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and relying on fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
Some days I hate being married to a smart bitch.
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I was listening to the radio today, and this is really for anyone who lives near Manchester, possibly stockport-Pirhanna fish have been found in the water system!
That's true too
Shocking..I know.
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Men Vs. Women
Heather: I noticed by this article that men become bald much more than women because of the intense activity of their brains.
John: Yes, and I notice that women do not grow beards because of the intense activity of their chins!
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A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:
Dear Wife (that's what he called her): I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband (that's what she called him): I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy.
You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.
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....A Blue Whale produces over 400 gallons of sperm when it ejaculates.
.... but only 10% of that actually makes it into his mate.
....So 360 gallons are spilled into the ocean every time he unloads
....You wonder why the ocean is so salty
....Don't swallow the water.
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Angry Midget
One day a man was pissing in a public bathroom and a midget walked in and set up a step-ladder. When the man looked down, he noticed the midget staring at his balls.
"Excuse me, sir," said the midget. "I was just really admiring your balls. Mind if I hold them?"
"Why not?" said the man.
So the midget grabs onto one of his balls and says, "Now give me your wallet or I'll jump!"
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School Play - (If this doesn't make you laugh, there is absolutely no
hope for you!)
Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play. It was to be a Shakespearean play. The first little boy was to say, "My fair maiden.... I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope." The second little boy was to reply by saying,
"Hark! - a pistol shot!"
Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups. The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loudly as soon as the curtain goes up.
The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified. They stood there frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin.
The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words..... "My fair maiden.... I have come to kiss your snatch! And fill your hole with soap."
The second boy screams out....."Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of shit, horse shit, this is bull shit... I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway..."
The audience left howling!!!
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Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his
ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the Patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....
"Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the
insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Herman,
remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the
insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the
ashes she said, "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too,
with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Herman, remember
that blow job I promised you?"
Well here it comes..........
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A little boy asks his father "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. "I upgraded my floppy to a stiffy and then your mother agreed to take a download from my hard drive.
"As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've got male'."
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New partition
Business was good at the local whorehouse and the madam decided to partition one of larger rooms. After the work was complete the carpenter asked for payment but was put off.
After several weeks he still hadn't been paid and he regularly threatened, "Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."
Finally the madam offered to pay him in trade. "Take any girl in the house and have your pleasure with her."
"I'll take you."
"Me? I'm an old lady. Take one of those young, good looking chicks."
"I want you."
So he took her upstairs and removed all her clothes, laid her on her back and put one finger in her pussy and one finger in her butt. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"I told you before. Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."
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Eating Dogs
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards him. "Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs
in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry
to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
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Cat 'gives birth to pups'
Scientists are baffled after a cat apparently gave birth to pups in Brazil.
Mimi's owner says she got pregnant after mating with a neighbour's dog.
Cassia Aparecida de Souza, from Passo Fundo, says Mimi had a litter of six babies - three cat-like and the rest looking like dogs.
Geneticists are testing blood samples to confirm the species, reports the Sun.
Unlikely hybrids have happened before but always between closely related species.
Lions and tigers have produced 'ligers', while a 'wolphin', half killer whale and half bottlenose dolphin, also exists.
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A man and his friend were enjoying deer hunting season in rural Michigan
near a blacktop highway. A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully
drew his rifle and took careful aim.
Before he could pull the trigger, his friend pointed at a funeral procession
passing on the road below their stand.
The hunter slowly set his rifle back down, took off his hat, bowed his head
and closed his eyes in prayer.
His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing
I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known."
The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years, it just felt
like the right thing to do."
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Open wider
There was a couple going at it for the first time, and after a while, the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider.
She does and they continue.
A few minutes go by and he tells her again, "Open your legs a little wider."
She does, then he says again, "A little wider, hon."
The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it.
This continues until he asks again, "Can you open them just a little wider?"
So she finally yells, "What are you trying to do; get your balls in too?"
He says "No, I'm trying to get them out."
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